tropicalfruition

Last night the Roto-Rooter guy came to clear out the pipes in my bathroom, which had abruptly ceased to function the day before. Unfortunately, according to him, he couldn’t get to them from the outside. So we (yes I helped) lugged his huge, ugly drain-cleaning machine into my apartment, and for the next half hour or so he proceeded to make a complete mess of my bathroom.

It wasn’t just a mess. It was a nasty mess. There was some type of moist black gunk flying out of the machine — which I have to assume was at least partially made up of other people’s feces — and by the time the pipes were clear this stuff had pretty much covered my entire bathroom floor.

So Mr. Rooter leaves and, since it was late, I decided not to clean up right away. This turned out to be a big mistake. This morning, on closer examination, I found that the stuff had dried onto the tile floor like some sort of disgusting jet-black caca paint. I realized right away that getting this crap off my floor wasn’t going to be easy.

Now, I hate to clean anything… and I very rarely do. Even when I do actually clean something it’s often done very half-assed. But I’m also a germaphobe and having this black crap in my apartment was freaking me out. So, for the first time since I moved in almost a year ago, I finally cleaned my bathroom today!!

Yes, I’m so happy and proud of myself that I just had to write a blog post about it.

Anyway, here’s how I accomplished this amazing feat. Maybe this info will help a few other messy, lazy, procrastinating bachelors with ultra-dirty bathrooms…

The Fast, Easy Way to Clean a Really Dirty Bathroom (for the Lazy Bachelor)

1. Gather the following stuff: a mop with a “scrubber” strip (Mr. Clean mops are badass), a bucket, baking soda, borax, white vinegar, some 70% ethyl alcohol in a spray bottle and a roll of heavy-duty paper towels. All this stuff can be bought it just about any major grocery store, as well as Walmart, Target, etc. It’s also all cheap and non-toxic!

2. Clear the junk off the counters and also remove any rugs.

3. Use the alcohol in the spray bottle and the paper towels to clean all counters, sinks, tubs, metal fixtures, and the toilet. This stuff is powerful and works great. Not only does it kill most germs and bacteria, it also leaves everything shiny as hell!

4. Once you’re done with the sink, toilet, and tub, now attack the floor. For me this was by far the nastiest part! First fill the bucket with hot water and mix in a cup or so of baking soda. Then add a little borax and a bunch of the vinegar. The “solution” should start to fizzle… which, of course, is always kind of cool.

5. While the water is still hot quickly mop the bathroom floor. Don’t worry about “cleaning” at first. Just get the floor wet so the vinegar, baking soda, and borax can start to break up the grime.

6. After a minute or two begin to mop again, this time actually trying accomplish something. If stuff is really stuck on the floor (as in my case) use the scrubber strip to get it off. If that doesn’t work, or your mop doesn’t have a scrubber strip (wussie!), pour a bunch of dry baking soda onto the floor and use your feet and a stack of paper towels to scrub the floor clean. For my unusual predicament I ended up having to do all of the above.

7. Ring out the mop and use it to soak up any big puddles of water left on the floor. If you have a portable fan put it in the doorway of the bathroom to make the floor dry up faster.

8. Enjoy your brand-new, clean bathroom. Then consider sending me 5 bucks.

Note: If you’re bathroom floor is really dirty you might want to vacuum or sweep before mopping!

Tomorrow I may try to clean my kitchen. If I do I probably won’t blog about it.

More good cleaning tips: 150 Tips and Tricks on Cleaning